Im glad i have my ex to go with me. But yesterday was not something that she deserved. I dont know if i took panadol or something stronger, but i fell asleep like a pig while i was on the phone with her. I'm angry at myself. Its fking stupid. I have never done that before, and i didn't even say goodnight. And i dont even know why i was so tired. What she said is true, from not giving goodnight messages, to not even saying goodnight. How fking dumb can i be? This post is not even meant to be here. I need a slap back to reality. School's starting. Restart the engine. I will fking not fall asleep on the phone with her again, and i will not let her hear me fall asleep. That way, i will be able to put down the phone and send her a sweet goodnight message, even if the phone call wasn't the best that we had. I want to start the countdown. to the better days.

52 days

baby, i might not be the best for you, and it's made worst when im not even trying my best. you need to tell me about my flaws, just like when i always tell you about your flaws. we need to communicate, because we need to stay tight. ILY.

 hooked onto hell's kitchen season 6, new song. and just when i was abt to get used to the holidays, school's gonna start. jc peeps, 6 weeks holiday is too short, i wonder how you guys survive with 2 weeks and 4 weeks holidays man. its like. wtf? and everybody should watch true blood. 


life's been kinda in a rush and everything now. i can't even meet bby for dinner/supper and we can only meet once a week thanks to that crazy bitch(not my ex). and ding's out to thailand. im kinda sick of going down to serangoon north and meeting with those malay brothers of mine. but i just cant stay at home. its crazy. guess next week onwards, we'll get to see each other real soon with the first aid course, and the kids athletic association coaching course and school's starting. that's the plus point. and i wanna meet my old friends real soon for some catchup, like michelle, which i haven seen since holidays(the interview not counted), gabriel, shahila(that idiot who sit at home and make her backside big only), bekah, and carine. all those jc peeps, i will meet you guys after your A lvls, especially junyang. and ezy skipped supper on me for 2 nights already! lol. 

 

 </lj-embed>If you guys have yet to hear who she is, you must be living under a shell. Don't let her looks deceive you. She's the best in the business. Let me introduce you people, Adele.

 There's more than meets the cat-like eyes of the girl that i love. Love to be my partner, love forever(think about till death do us part). Behind that wild cat rage and demure lovely cat eyes, there's a whole world of angst, hatred, uncertainty and insecurities, pent up feelings just dying to be let out. And then, the battle begins, between the cat and the, um, lets give the other world an animal name, okay, lion. Because its bigger, fiercer, and much much much more unreasonable, gobbling people up just for snacks.

I see this in her eyes, and i dread the lion's gate. But somehow, i always make mistakes that she always make me feel like i deserve all the whole shit that she's throwing at me, and much more. Like, nothing can make up for what i did. Personally, i dont feel like i deserve it, but after some time, it just hits me and stays there, "Oh fuck! i just did something gravely wrong and what can i do to make things better now? Not to make things like how it was before and pretend like it never happened, but how to make things better and face the problem together. And this is because i love her dearly. 

She asked me, "Would you feel fine if i told my guy friends that i love them too? If you say yes, i won't be angry anymore." Please tell me how do i answer this question? I want to say, "Yes, if they did something nice for you that you appreciate, or relieved you of some of your burden." I wanted to say this because that was what i meant when i said it to Michelle. Because she found 2 jobs that allows us to work together and spend more time together, something that i was dying to do. After trying to look for a job that i can work together with you and not being able to find any, i was kinda desperate and exasperated because i can't find any other way to get you out of the house without your aunt having a reason to hold you back, not like any of the reasons she gave was reasonable. So when i heard that we could work for about a week or so together, i was happy. I wanted to tell her that i appreciated her efforts to help us find a job, and i'm sure she knows clearly what i meant. No other intentions, just appreciation for the act. I treat Zack as one of my good friends, and i love you.

I hope this will get to you because i know that if i opened my mouth and try to reason it out, its not going to work at all. But if you feel that what i just typed here are excuses, then i can only apologize to you. From the bottom of my heart, when i say that i love you to you, its something that only you should be able to comprehend. Because it is specially for you. For the special one in my heart, for the special one in my world. Allison Tan WanYi. Wake up please.

okay, my long overdue post, now that the exams are over. and i promised you one since so long ago.

actually, nothing must has changed. we still talk as much on the phone, you still get angry at my mistakes and basically, i am still your boyfriend. just that in front of your friends, we're just friends. and i go on with my nonsense about us being bff's. haha. gosh this keyboard is so difficult to type on, so this is going to be a short post. ill type more later when i come back here to watch man united versus arsenal. go arsenal, and go to hell man united. you're going down!

AND WARNING, DO NOT BUY LENOVO ideapad. like the keyboard sucks like fuck. totally. meeting you in awhile, i love you babe.

 AH! nice new clean cut clean shaven, really pretty change to the skin. 

anw, exams are fucking coming up like, later at 9.30 am. and i didnt study much this time round. why? because i'm easily satisfied. somebody please slap me back to earth. just because i got a fucking B for developmental and B+ for Social Psych, i think i'm damn good. deep down inside, i know i still need to study hard, but guess what, i didn't. fuck myself. i go kill myself if i flunk my papers. Damn the world shitty world.

beeteedoubleyou. me and my girlfriend brokeup alr. but don't get your hopes too high assholes. we're getting back tgt soon, i bet my life on it. and babe, don't comment on this. haha.

damn funny yesterday. Gid wanted to meet bby at gardens. and i bet he thinks that i won't be coming along since we already broke up. but that look on his face when he saw me walking beside bby, oh man, i know how he felt. i'll give the sad face, ode to Gideon :(

had frolick last night after making ding wait for 1 hour, and got a friggin small fries in the packaging of a large fries, and the cost of a large fries. idiotic staffs are Gardens McD. just because you get paid for 3.50 an hour doesn't mean you can cheat everyone's money hor. anw, short post, i need to sleep. and ooh, i just told jeremias not to call bby too late and he got angry. what an idiot loser. i also never say cannot talk to my bby, i just say i dont want my bby to sleep too late right. cut your rebonded fringe and make it into bangs then you know. -.-

goodnight.

 now i know why people think of ending their lives when they're so down. it really feels like the world is crashing down on them.

 been a crazy hell of a time these past weekend. been spending loads of time together, its obscene. not since we first got together have we actually spent this much time together. thursday night, baby's family all go hongkong or macau, duno la. then that night spent together at her aunt's house. then saturday, after my soccer match with yuhang's team where bby followed to watch me play a match for the first time in my life, we went for supper and a "expert screening" of terminator at ding's house. 

11.30pm. we were on the cab to supposedly send my bby home. 
BBY: So how? you want anot? this kinda of time, everyone inside their room all doing their own stuff!
ME: You sure anot? later your bro bro come out suddenly and see me, then he will say, WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING INSIDE MY HOUSE!
BBY: Are you done yet? Just wait downstairs abit until he come down and take his mac, then i will bring you up.

Inside the house, i hid inside the maid's room which is beside the kitchen, with no fan and minimal ventilation. Basket, the abit took at least 5-10 minutes. i was sweating like a dick by the time the bro went back up and my gf came to fetch me. not helped by the maid just having a small opening in the window. PANAS!

but it was cool. went down to the aunt's house on sunday morning. slept till afternoon, then went home to bathe and all. then come back again in the evening to study! really. i sat there for a fucking long time to do my report and i came up with about 1000 words. and her aunt from germany treated us all to pizza hut delivery. the receptionist is fucking idiotic!

PH: do you have internet at home? Blodbend?
BBY: HUH? Blodbend ah?
PH: ya, blodbend!
BBY: oh ya. got got. got broadband. why?

CB, english also fucking fail. still ask if we want pepsi 10 times. we alr say dont want means dont want la. 

AND AND AND. HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEKEND IS MONDAY! bby's mum treated us all to seoul garden! supposed to be carnivore lor, but blame it on the timing. dammit. if not i can eat carnivore alr lor. but nevertheless, she's cool yo. its like 120 bucks for 4 ppl. haha. im so fortunate -.- and and and! i was so pressured to continue eating that i ate until i wanted to puke! u should see how much meat kay gin(bro bro) ate la. i think its more than 5 fucking kilos of red sliced beef. with all the blood. sick shat

and yes, these few days come like once or twice a year. but this was the best. i enjoyed it. and i have never regretted being with my bby all these while. she's my love. <3 goodnight. 

good day, bad night. baby has a fun daytime with the climax being her braces removed. 



i dont know if you're seeing 2 or 1 of the pic. lj photo upload sucks -.- but nehmind, 2 means you get to see more of my love!

anw, i was so happy for her that she finally managed to get the braces off her teeth after like what? 3 years?

but i just had to spoil the mood by sleeping when i got home, and waking up at 9, when im supposed to go over and help her in her public speaking speech. she wants to interview me and my friend about experiences of being drunk and how i need to clean up the puke. supposedly getting drunk at the club. she wanted to make it special, and beat the crap out of the shitty girl who always tops the class based on the teacher's bias-ness. 

and guess what. i didnt wake up. trust myself to wake up. i really need to rely on the things and people around me. tell me how hopeless i am. question now, how can i trust myself to hold on to her, even though i want her to be mine real bad. i want her to be mine forever. Selamanya.

 okay. basically the moment of truth is a game where you draw cards and the table get to ask you a question from the card, personalised to a certain degree. and if they think that you are lying, you gotta take the lie detector test. fun right?

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE NIGHT.

Card: ASK YOUR OWN QUESTION!
ASLAM: MUAHAHAHA! HILMI! That time when you were drunk and you said you wanted to whatever whatever with nisa, do you mean it?
Nisa: OMG OMG! FUCK YOU! (close eyes)
Hilmi: UHHH.. Sorry Nisa, that time i was drunk ah. And yes, i mean it. 
Usman: HAHA! I believe!
Nisa: AHH!
Aslam: I knew it!

and yes, alot of other stuff, you can read it at nisa's blog, helloawesome.lj.

down to abit more serious stuff, 
i can't help it that you effing hate it wheni go over and sleepover at my friend's house. i used to sleepover alot and they are one of my best friends, even if we don't seem like it. we don't go to school tgt and the only times when i get to meet them is over the weekend, one of them. this time, i haven't met them for about a month or so. 

that time when i met them for 30 mins after tuition, we had so much to talk about, i felt that one whole night wasn't gonna be enough. and i don't know why i said that i was going to meet them for 30 mins. maybe just because i don't want to make you upset. but yes, i need to meet and talk to them. 

i like it when you're selfish and only want me to yourself. but baby, we meet and see each other everyday except on one weekend, and we talk everyday. it makes me feel that your whole world revolves around me. and i appreciate it. and i don't want any of it to change. i just want that little bit of understanding that i want to meet my friends once in a while too. and i would appreciate it if you don't throw your tantrums like that because when i try to sleep, i keep thinking that i did something horribly wrong and i shouldn't have done it. and yes, i have trouble falling asleep.

i don't know what runs in your head but i always make an effort to understand every action that you make, even if they are unreasonable. and i hope that you'll make that little bit of effort to do the same for me. 

on another important point, let's talk about the evolvement of our relationship and see if it applies with other long term relationships.

as for me, i felt that we have gone far in our relationship. when we first started out, we just want to see each other and be with each other. hold hands, watch movies and just look into each other's eyes, swearing never to let go. everything else is just not as important. i spent money on anything and everything for fun. movies everyday, every single day, and we took the taxi just so we have the alone time tgt. 

as time passes, and more hurdles that we overcame, the priorities of a relationship changes. we tend to support each other more emotionally and though sometimes money is a problem for me, you always help me overcome it. we become more understanding of each other and for me, i learn to filter all the things that you throw at me as "i mean it" and "i dont mean it", esp the shit when you're not in your mood. though we spent less time together as compared to when we were last time, i feel that our love for each other has grew. now, we look at each other for warmth and someone we care for and to be cared for. its like our partner is what completes us. without each other, we feel empty and incomplete. okay, not so much of empty but more of like "there's something missing".

i dont know if this is just for me, what are you views? 

im sorry if this long post feels like there's no flow. im kinda distracted. hungry, sleepy and oily. :/

ps; i love you darling, and i hope this doesn't affect your mood. (L) read my fingers.

IM MEETING MY GIRL IN 2 HOURS! CAN'T WAIT CAN'T WAIT!